watching fallen angels AGAIN right now. if you didnt see it before, it's a movie from 1996 (or something close idk) from hong kong. it is aesthetic af in general. the killer's agent is the most a e s t h e t i c character i have ever seen in my life. idk if this is unfeminist of me or wtvr but i deeply feel like i should become my own version of her. like if i had her life i could look at myself everday and feel like the little performance i'm always doing for my own enjoyment, which i don't enjoy, was worth it. " how very lana of you, evilwitch," you might say. "so glamorously put upon on in your own fictional imagination. you truly are a foolish, particularly mentally ill girl." why thank you, my new friend/ i dont care at all. in my head i've already got up to a bmi of like 15.6, i'm wearing shitty recreations of her outfits and spending my extra caloric energy on cleaning a quiet psychopath's apartment when he isn't there, all while luxuriating in how disgusting and dramatic and trashy i am, but still getting to think i'm beautiful, and sending people hiding away from me with my exquisitly performed apathy. Probably 20 hours ago, though, I wanted to have a baby. Obviously I know how stupid and selfish and terrible it would be, but every single part of me just wanted to have my own little baby to carry with me and i could hold her head under my chin and tell her secrets. Idk if it's the same for other people, but when I eat my mind stops controlling itself. I get too hot, and I just become this completely obnoxious, embarassing person I would hate talking to but proobbaly keep around if only to make fun of. As if that could be up to me lol. Sometimes I just have no way of controlling anything that happens. As does everyone else, I guess.